The X-mas Files

by Jane And Mark Lewis

Background
Rating
Characters
Staging
Script

Background

This sketch was obviously written at the height of the popularity of the X-Files. We asked ourselves - what would happen if Moulder and Scully were to investigate the strange events surrounding the birth of a certain baby?.... This was the result.

Rating

Characters

Mouldy and Scullery - FBI Agents
Eli - a Bethlehem shepherd

Staging

No staging is required for this sketch - everything can be done by mime. The main thing is to have some costume items for Mouldy and Scullery to suggest they are FBI Agents - e.g. raincoats. To set the right mood, start with blackout (or as near as possible) and have Mouldy and Scullery entering waving bright torches around whilst the theme for X-Files plays...

Script

[X-Files theme tune]
Scullery: Where are we going this time Mouldy?
Mouldy: There have been reports of strange lights in the sky near Bethlehem - we're going to find out what it is. Most likely its aliens.
Scullery: Aliens! Its always aliens with you Mouldy!! A lightbulb blows - its aliens, you lose a sock in the wash - its aliens, the toilet paper runs out - its aliens.
Mouldy: Just you wait and see Scullery. There's an eyewitness we're going to see. I'm sure his story will confirm my suspicions!
Scullery: Uh Huh. So who's the witness?
Mouldy: A shepherd called Eli. According to the police report he saw everything....Ah, here we are...
[they arrive at a door. Mouldy knocks. The door is opened by Eli]
Eli: Aye?
[Mouldy and Scullery flash their badges]
Mouldy: Hello. I'm Special Agent Fox Mouldy with the FBI. This is Special Agent Dana Scullery. May we come in?
Eli: Aye. If you must. What's this all about then?
Scullery: Sir, apparently you witnessed the strange lights over the hills last week.
Eli: Aye. That I did. There were a lot more than strange lights though..
Mouldy: See Scullery what did I tell you...
Eli: ...there were angels!!
Mouldy: I'm sorry did you say Aliens?
Eli: No lad. Are you deaf or something? I said ANGELS.
Scullery: Sir, how do you know they were angels?
Eli: I know what I saw!
Scullery: Can you describe what you saw - exactly.
Eli: Of course. We were out on the hills minding the sheep. As you do. When suddenly this bright light appeared....
Mouldy: ...that'll be the mother ship...
Eli: ...no it were an angel. And he spoke to us and said, "I bring you great news. Today your Saviour is born in Bethlehem - he is the Messiah, the Lord. And you will find the baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger". Then the sky was filled with music and a huge angelic choir appeared singing glory to God.
Mouldy: We'd better watch out Scullery the aliens have taken human form and they're going to invade the world!
Scullery: Mouldy, don't be ridiculous. This man is clearly delusional. Angels! Honestly! I need to perform a full examination. Stand back I'm a medical doctor! [She then proceeds to examine Eli - taps his knee, makes him cough, say "aaahh" and looks at his pupils. Eli looks bemused but puts up with it. Then she takes Mouldy aside]. Mouldy - he has a sub-dermal haematoma but no sign of radiation burns.
Mouldy: That sounds serious. Is it the result of an close encounter with an alien lifeform?
Eli: No. It's a bruise as the result of a close encounter with the ground when I fell over backwards.
Scullery: Mouldy this man is ... perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with him!
Mouldy: Oh No!
Scullery: Exactly - what if he's telling the truth?
Eli: Of course I'm telling the truth you daft beggars. If you don't believe me why don't you go down to the stable and see for yourselves! [Pointing vigorously] The truth is out there!